


Self-identity theft

by notveryhandy



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23777689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notveryhandy/pseuds/notveryhandy
Summary: The Doctor keeps on regenerating into Eight.By the fifth time, it’s not even funny.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Self-identity theft

**Author's Note:**

> Note: the Doctors (and the Master) have their canon personality, but other faces.

There is nothing remotely funny about the Time War, so why is Ohila laughing? He scowls, and looks in the nearest mirror, expecting to see a new face to match with his new personality, and...

What?

Same face. Different personality, yes, but same face. He tries to look angry.

It does work, but he thinks he might need a hair cut. And a beard. And less utterly hideous clothes.

Rassilon, had he ever been such a pathetic Victorian?

Apparently so.

Fuck.

* * *

The second time round, he laughs, because why not? It’s actually a decent body when you get it right. A little short, and probably very dirty and battered by now, but not as bad as -

He shudders. No, he’s happier not talking about that. Very much happy to leave the past alone.

Rose must be confused. Well, so is he! Stupid body. Very stupid body. He would complain - except there’s nobody to complain _to,_ so he may as well shut up and go along with it.

The leather jacket still goes awfully nicely.

* * *

This time, he asks Rose immediately after regeneration if he’s any different. Maybe ginger. Yeah, ginger would be nice. Ginger, and tall. Is that too much to ask for?

“Rose, am I...”

He pauses. He really doesn’t want to know. “Ginger?”

She shakes her head. “No, you’re just sort of... brown.”

The Doctor groans. “And... other than that?”

“Dunno what you’re trying to say, you look exactly the same as ten minutes ago.”

He steps outside the Tardis, howls in frustration, and then collapses.

Oh, and gets dirt all over his face, because right now he can’t catch a break.

* * *

The Master attempts to take over the Earth, but it’s obvious his heart isn’t really in it. The Doctor shifts from side to side, and starts talking. “Um, is something bothering you?”

At that, the Master starts laughing. “Oh my gods. You’re - you’re-”

The Master’s laughter devolves into low wheezing. “I can’t breathe, this is fucking - this is hilarious.”

The Doctor scowls. “By the way, I’m going to go stop your evil plan.”

The Master continues to cackle. “Go ahead, this is too good.”

Which is not what he’d thought.

* * *

“Amy, how do I look?”

“Like a prat,” she says. “No, really, a total prat. Maybe you should get some different clothes.”

“Nope!”

“Sure. But I don’t want to be seen with you.”

“By the way, what,” he asks, “do I look like?”

She shrugs. “Not massively tall, curly hair, sort of-”

“Never mind! I give up.”

“...what?”

The Doctor groans. “Why? All I want is a different body, is that to much to ask?”

Yep. It certainly is.

* * *

Clara looks confused. “You went all... glowy, back then, and then nothing really happened. I thought you said you were going to change faces.”

The Doctor groans. “Oh, not _again._ So, regeneration, it’s meant to change both body and mind, but I keep on ending up with this stupid face.” He runs a hand through his wild hair. “I’m not particularly fond of it, I’ve been in the same body for far too long.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“Of course you don’t. Well, the gist of it is I can burn my face off to survive what should be a deadly injury or wound. Or just whatever deadly thing it is this time.”

“That sounds like a really bad idea,” Clara says.

“Now that I put it like that... yeah, I suppose it does.”

* * *

The Doctor groans, and crashes into a wall. They are _sick_ of falling off things. And regenerating into the same person. That too.

Really, can’t they catch a break? They look up from the floor to see several strangers, although with their blurry vision it’s hard to tell. “Sorry, what do I look like?”

“Love, do you need to go to hospital? You don’t look so good,” says the female one.

They wince. “No, it’s just I’ve got a bit of amnesia and I’m looking for someone and I want to check that someone isn’t me.”

Which isn’t really true, but it’s the best they can come up with. The woman glances at her again. “Alright, if you say so.”

They nod.

“You’re rather short, and you’ve got dark, curly hair.” Oh no. “And your eyes are bright blue. Pale skin, does that fit who you’re looking for?” Yes. Fuck, it did.

“Oh, and you!re a woman,” she finished.

What?

What?

The Doctor looked into a mirror. Oh no. Oh, no. They were-

Missy.

“Oh no,” they said lamely, and passed out.

* * *

The Master looked at the Doctor awkwardly. “Who’s laughing now?” she said with a grin.

“Neither of us. You’re smiling, not laughing.”

“Oh, shush,” the Doctor said, nudging him playfully.

“I’m you! I’m literally you! The same body you spent, what, four regenerations in?” the Master yelled.

“Five, actually.”

“I hate you!”

Nothing new there, then. “Yeah, sorry. But you kind of deserve it.”

“Well, at least I can laugh about you having my face this time. And that you’re shorter than me.”

Bastard. “You _monster._ ”

“Oh, get over it. You’re just jealous.”

Fine, she was jealous.

Why couldn’t they ever have a normal day out?


End file.
